A couple weeks after I came off those 18 years of emotionally numbing meds a few years ago, my body started experiencing some new stuff, because I wasn't numb anymore. My solar plexus (upper belly below the ribs) filled with a deep dark "pit" full of fear, that was at its peak between 4-7am. It would slowly get less throughout the day, but for nearly 5 years, it's been there 24/7, without going away. It was so strong that it actually caused physical pain.
At the same time, chronic body pains set in, deep into my muscles and bones, and I started losing my strength. That has also lasted 24/7 for nearly 5 years. It would lessen as the day went on, but it never went away. Every few weeks to every few months I would have flareups.
I've utilized acupuncture, baltic amber inflammation beads, energy work, homeopathic medicine, herbs, essential oils, yoga, meditation, prayer, blessings, chiropractic, massage... And other than occasional and temporary *somewhat* relief to lessen the pain, NOTHING was working. Why when these things worked so well on other things, were they not working for this?
Nearly every morning since this started, I've spent anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, in tears, until things would calm down enough to go about my day.
Last year I finally figured out one of the reasons for the "pit of fear in my stomach", and I prayed a specific prayer to ask for help. The next morning I woke up for the first time in 4 years, with about 75% of it gone. I was SO grateful. But there was still that 25% that didn't go away. WHY?
My muscles are strong in the sense that I can usually move even heavy furniture by myself, but they're weak at times, so much that it hurts to even empty the dishwasher or look out the side window in the car. I remember laying sod with my husband when we moved into this house, and I collapsed on the grass sobbing, because it hurt so bad to move the pieces into place.
Some days I would push through with homeschooling, clients, errands, yard work, family events, etc., and other days I knew I needed to honor my body & emotions, cancel everything, & rest all day.
2 months ago I was introduced to a yoga instructor named Anna Molgard, owner of Flowing Tree Yoga. She works with long distance clients, including me, through online video chat (Facetime, etc.) I've done yoga classes before locally, but even though I could tell it was benefitting me, I had to stop after a while because of the pain & inability to hold poses very long. But I felt very drawn to Anna & signed up for her weekly live online yoga classes, hoping it would help. It only only lasted a couple weeks, because as much as I love & believe in the power of yoga, I couldn't hold the poses from the pain...
After telling her about my situation, she suggested working one-on-one for a while with yoga therapy sessions. During our first private session, I found out she specializes in working with people who have experienced trauma.
I told her everything I'd done in the past, working through the chemical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual layers. She let me know that everything I'd done was perfect, & that what was left, was my body doing its job on a PHYSICAL level, to protect me & keep me safe. She encouraged me to honor that, and even though it's painful, to find gratitude in my body working for me & being my friend.
4 days after that 2nd session, on Sunday morning, Oct 16th, I woke up and laid in bed for a couple of minutes, before realizing that the pit in my solar plexus was gone. 100%, without a doubt, gone. That fast.
It almost scared me, because it had become such a part of me, that I didn't remember what it was like to not feel it, & I was also afraid of it coming back. Every morning I woke up with caution & anticipation, doing my best to believe it was no longer a part of my life.
On this Thanksgiving Day, it has been 5 1/2 weeks, and the pit is still gone. I know I am healed from that part of my life. Anna is one of my earthly angels, and I'm forever grateful for her.
The body pains are still there. We're continuing to work through that, and it's really hard, I'm not gonna lie. Some days I can't do anything, and some days I cry a lot. Some days are hard, and some days I do pretty well.
I also had another bowel obstruction last week. (#15, I believe?) I was able to work through it on my own & not have to go into the hospital again, thank goodness. I've had to work on more forgiveness of the doctor who messed my intestines up with that first surgery 10 years ago. And in addition to the physical / mechanical issues there, I'm pretty sure I know, once again, what the emotional trigger was that caused this one. Because of the memory in my cells, they are working on a physical level to protect. Life is so interesting, isn't it?
BUT with a new perspective of what my body is doing for me, I'm hopeful that when the time is right, healing will come once again. Sometimes having gratitude can feel really hard. I can't truthfully say I'm grateful FOR my trials, but I can honestly say I'm grateful IN my trials. I am doing my very best to stay in the spirit of gratitude, come what may.
And I'm grateful for my friend, Kevin Clayson, who blessed me with his life changing book, "Flip the Gratitude Switch".
Even as I struggle a bit again today, I have so many things to be grateful for, and I AM grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3
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